


amor dolens

by alphvjensen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 01:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10526049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alphvjensen/pseuds/alphvjensen
Summary: “Why, Dean? What are you going to do if I don’t stop? Are you going to shoot me? Go ahead. You gonna drag me back to the hotel? You do that and I’ll leave the first chance I can get. You can’t keep me forever, Dean.” Sam spit.





	

**Author's Note:**

> so just a short, angsty, painful weecest story about what happened after dean kissed him that fourth of july weekend. and just so y’all know, the title means painful love in latin.

“I’m so in love with you and I’m tired of hiding it!” Sam screamed out into the night, everything just boiling over to the point that he couldn’t keep it in. That girl, that fucking girl that looked so much like himself was the final straw. Sam jabbed his index finger into Dean’s chest. “I watch you disappear every night with some girl, with someone else that’s not me and I pretend to be okay with it. But you know what, I’m done pretending. I’m done pretending that you didn’t kiss me weeks ago and I’m done pretending that you might actually notice that I love you. You’re so blind, Dean.” Sam screamed, teenage emotions racing through him, unable to stop the tears from appearing at the corner of his eyes.

It was just a few weeks ago, just a few weeks that Dean had taken Sam out to that field for Fourth of July and shot off fireworks into the sky and kissed him like he actually wanted Sam. Everything felt perfect, like nothing could ever go wrong but then the sun broke the night sky and Dean only seemed to push Sam away, sleeping with anything that walks.

Sam’s chest rose and fell with heavy breathes now completely silent unable to say anything else. And Dean just stood there, looking at his little brother, his lips pressed into a hard line, silent.

So Sam turned on his heel, leaving Dean standing there, mind working through everything that Sam had said. Sam wasn’t sure where he was going to go but he was smart and he knew how to take care of himself and he didn’t need Dean anymore.

Sam felt like hitting him or screaming at him again until his throat was sore and scratchy when he felt Dean’s hand close around his elbow, turning Sam back towards him to face him.

“Where are you going, Sam?” Dean asked, voice soft despite the hard edge that was in his eyes.

“I don’t know. Away. Maybe to a bar.” He had a fake ID in his back pocket and a few bucks and he was sly enough to get away with anything. “Maybe find myself another brooding guy to fall in love with, to follow around for my whole life hoping that one day he’ll love me as much as I love him.” Sam snapped back.

Dean opened his mouth to say something but closed it just as quickly, his eyes searching Sam’s face, counting every tear that silently slid down and Sam just waited, waited for Dean to say something, to get angry, to show some kind of emotion.

But he remained silent. And Sam’s heart seemed to break even more.

Sam tried to shake his arm out of his hold, needing to get out of here. Being this close to Dean was intoxicating, comforting, telling Sam that this was home. Dean was home. The two of them were breathing the same air and Sam needed… he needed…

He needed to leave.

“Dean, let me go.” Sam growled.

But his fingers didn’t loosen from around his elbow, instead he held on tighter to the point that it was almost painful. His jaw remained shut.”

“Dean…” Sam warned.

“What?” Dean finally spoke, his voice tight. “You want me to just let you go and walk away from me to allow some sleazy guy at some random bar take you home so he can have a little fun?”

“You’re that sleazy guy at the bar, Dean.” Sam hissed and if Sam wasn’t looking for it, he wouldn’t have noticed that way that Dean seemed to flinch. “Every girl sees you approaching them with that sly smirk on your face, swagger in your step and they’re not stupid. From the moment that they spot you, they know what you are. Some guy who wants nothing more than to have sex with some girl he finds pretty enough and then leave them in the morning. Just another tally to add to the chart of girls that you’ve fucked.”

Dean’s jaw ticked as Sam described him.

“Yeah, at least I take care of the girl.” Dean snapped back, trying to repair the image that Sam had just broken through. “Any guy that would take you home wouldn’t care less about you.”

“Oh but you care about me?” His voice was high pitched and laced with sarcasm, a laugh trailing at the end. “You care about me so much that you couldn’t even fucking notice that I was in love with you.”

“I did notice!” He exclaimed, finally emotion, desperation, coating his words. “I noticed that you loved me and it killed me not to tell you that I do too.”

“But you  _ kissed  _ me!”

“I know and I shouldn’t have because I fucked up, Sam. You make me weak, man. You don’t understand but I can’t afford to love anyone.”

“Why? Because we’re brothers? Because I’ll become your burden?”

“No! God, no. It’s none of that. It’s just…” A shuddery breath, a tick of the jaw, clenched hands. “If I allow myself to admit that I love you, Sam, if I finally shout it out to the world, every admn evil, slimy, bottom feeding scum out there will kill you. They’ll hurt you to hurt me and Sam… I can’t lose you.”

Sam’s heart clenched at the sound of his voice. There was a hardness to it but he sounded so raw, so vulnerable… so scared.

But anger was still boiling underneath the surface of Sam’s skin and it was too little, too late.

“So you rather me be in love with you, having me watch you fuck every single person that looks just a little bit like me while you just sit there, feeling the same as me but doing nothing to act on it?”

“I rather see you alive, Sam.”

Sam scoffed. “Alive. Yeah right.” He snatched his arm out of Dean’s hold and spun on his heel.

“Sam! Stop!” Dean screamed out but Sam kept walking. He held his head high and took a deep breath and ignored that knife that was being dug into his heart and kept walking. “Sam. Fuck. Will you please just stop?”

Nope. It wasn’t going to happen. He told Sam everything that he needed to know and now he was going to get drunk to the point that he couldn’t even remember his own way because that’s how Winchesters deal with problems, right? With alcohol and denial and a good fuck maybe. And in the morning, he would call dad and tell him that he was leaving, that he was going to Bobby’s or something like that because he needed space. He knew that dad wouldn’t willingly agree with that but what could he do? Break his heart? Dean had already succeeded in doing that.

“Sam, seriously. Stop. Please.” Dean was now begging.

Dean Winchester was now begging him.

Sam spun back around, fuming.

“Why, Dean? What are you going to do if I don’t stop? Are you going to shoot me? Go ahead. You gonna drag me back to the hotel? You do that and I’ll leave the first chance I can get. You can’t keep me forever, Dean.” Sam spit.

He closed the two feet that was between the two of them, his large hands grabbing Sam’s shoulders, keeping Sam trapped and bound as he slammed his lips down on top of his brothers.

Sam didn’t want to respond. He didn’t  _ want  _ to kiss him back.

He didn’t deserve it. Dean didn’t deserve the satisfaction of a kiss when he had broken Sam’s heart and stomped on the pieces until they turned to dust but his body was a traitor to his own mind. Sam grabbed his face with just as much force as he was holding him, hand wrapping around the back of his neck and fingers digging into the base of his neck, keeping Dean pressed up against him.

Dean’s mouth tasted like home and whiskey and hurt and betrayal.

The two of them pulled away breathless.

They stared at each other, the air on fire around them and then Dean walked away, turning his back on his brother.

“Fuck you, Dean.” Sam spit, voice cracking at the end. “You can’t just kiss me like that and then turn your back on me. But you know what, go ahead. Walk away. That’s all you know how to do anyway.”

Dean’s step faltered before he stopped and ran a hand through his hair before turning around to face Sam. There were tears pulling at the corner of his eyes.

“Sam, I’ve just signed your death certificate.”

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts, comments and opinions are always welcomed.


End file.
